♥

There is this question that keeps popping up lately and i find it always tricky to answer: Is it difficult/hard being pregnant (especially the second time around, while the first kid is still so small)? In my mother-tongue difficult/hard is referred to in a word that also means ´'heavy´'. Carrying two is heavier indeed :)

This "how is it?" question is something i've been throwing around in the past as well, looking for answers. How is it to be pregnant with a small toddler? How is it with a toddler and a baby? The common answer is: it's hard/difficult. Then it's added: the first year is hard, after that it's easier. I feel like i'm lost in translation: hard? easier? These words all in all don't say much. 

I went to look answers in the internet, asking a group in facebook about it. While my belly was growing i got more and more curious, maybe there is something that'll be good to know, from women who already have that experience. But all the answers came back in "don't worry, be happy" -style. I got more precise: "when going out, whom do you dress first?" for example. "Don't worry, it'll all settle naturally... blablabla... but then i dress my youngest first and then i have this trick ...." and so one. So in the end there is advice out there, but it seems it's difficult to share. Why is that, i wonder. Too personal or did they really think it was worry that made me ask these questions, didn't they themselves wanted to know, were curious about things, would've been happy over support, thats more than "don't worry, be happy", in the end it sounds like a nice way to just shut someone up. That's how i replied. I was deeply disappointed, since it was a group that was made by me and an other young mother. It didn't fulfill its purpose for me at that level.

Most of the mothers i know personally, who have same age children, are older than me. In their (mid)-30es. There are only one or two that are the same age, in the mid-twenties, or younger.  So i started to wonder if it might be a generation thing. Of course this is now a huge generalization, but who knows, i just throw it out there. 

The idea came, when a friend, who started university from the beginning with a course of 20year olds (being over 30 herself), said that for her it seems the new generation is much more open. Open to talk about it all, even the uncomfortable stuff. Ups and downs are equally presentable. Being in between, i really don't know. But truthfully, after a while of thinking about it, and noticing what people talk about, i came to agree on that. It's not a universal truth tho, and it's not the age that determines anything, there's just something... that maybe a sociologist(or whoever does that stuff) can figure out or research?

I started to miss my same-old friends, with their humor and irony, their ups and downs, their smiles and tears. :)

I just hope, that even if there is someone out there, who like me, wonders about things and wants to know more, more precisely, wants to share hopes and fears, that they wouldn't feel lonesome and shut up, just because there is a lot of "don't worry"type of answers thrown around. 

As for my own answer for that question. I finally figured it out today. When a little hungover friend called me from the beach this sunday evening asking...

how is it?

me: what do you mean?

Is it hard? It's summer, it must be hard. 

...I shrugged it off. Im cool. Im fine. Pie-ce of cake! But now i'd say: If you think it's hard, why don't you help me?

Asking for help is much more difficult, than offering, don't you agree? I started to be brave. I try to be. I asked people out, made some plans to meet up with a different crowd, than the everything-is-always-perfect-mothers-group. And i also want to hold it in my mind, that when someone comes to me asking questions, i'll take the time to find the answers. :)

♥

 

Today is the dress-rehearsal of my moms play. But since im awake from 4am now, because of my nice cough, it's up for a debate if we're going. Im kind of mad, that it's my moms event that gets the short stick, when the past days i've been dragged and have dragged myself thorough various events. I hope i'll learn how to put my foot down one day and say "no, now, this is how were gonna do it!". Hoping that someone else takes the responsibility or makes a note of things, is clearly a naive one. Trying to please everyone just gets to the point where, since the self is not pleased, people around aren't either. So much to learn... sad lessons. "Pregnant and sick" doesn't seem to make it to the empathy-table, surprisingly :)

Summer vacation has begun. Im clearly not in the position to talk about the weather, but next week we will be on a trip to an island. No, it's not a tropical vacation with white rocky beaches and clear blue water. We'll be staying on the same latitude and longitude. Still, looking forward to it, as i hope for a little peace and quiet. Some mellow time for our family. The question is, if we should take the PC with us or not. A Internet free week, seems great as an idea, but what if we get really bored or/and it's raining the whole time?
Wouldn't it be nice to watch a movie or two in the evenings? 
Then again, it would be a great opportunity to read some of my book-list books... Then again, i wouldn't post anything for at least a week again...
We'll see.

I found this band today and at 4 am this kind of rocked up the mood. Enjoy the music!

♥

 

 

Pärnu. The ultimate Summer-capital. I never got the idea of summer resorts, but now i'm slightly turned. Of course i end up going with a "little"(as mentioned around me) cold - that's that for going for a swim in the sea. The food in the restaurant took forever to arrive, the wind was cold, the people too many. The avocado on our friends avocado-dish was raw. The supermarket was out of eco-friendly diapers and... we still kind of had a nice time. Mystical.  

We arrived home late and exhausted from the long drive, all three of us. That's why today is "do-nothing-monday". No plans, no engagements, nada. Chocolate cake for breakfast and hopefully a watermelon for dinner. That's it. (Of course, Juss has regular meals :))

♥

On Saturday we went to our friends U&L wedding. 

I took three dresses with me, just in case, and ended up wearing all of them. The butterfly was the first and i'm showing it off, since it's custom made by a young designer Ilona Ait. She created the fabric and made the dress. I ended up wearing a jacket, because it was so windy and i still suffered from my "little" cold. But the dress is so gorgeous, right! :) Butterfly-belly!

The night got colder so i changed in a long dress, then got strawberry and/or cherry spots on it, and changed again. The thing, when having kids, you either need always one pair (at least) a change of clothes, or an attitude where you just don't care. Usually i have the last one, but since it was a wedding and all, it was kind of nice to look neat for once.

♥

On the longest day of the year (the 21th June) we decided with some friends to make a evening picnic on an old football-field. Nobody took a ball with them, but maybe it was for the best. Us and all the babies got to stay up quite late, firstly because it didn't seem to get late at all :)) On the picture i think it's already past 10pm.

When we arrived i was so hungry, that i only managed to get the camera out, when our picnic blanket looked like a big mess. It's evidence of how relaxed and easygoing everyone were, i think. With 5 toddlers running around, it was only natural :) and unavoidable.

Now it's July. Already. Three months to go with my grand belly. 

Summer, be gentle and nice to us!

♥

Looking for an apartment in the city can be exhausting like everybody knows. All the stairs and the traffic to get from one place to another. With a big belly, no question. Trying to find an old farmplace (the remains of it) in the woods, pretty different. At one point i had to climb over a fence and dive into some waist high grass. But you get rewarded with wild strawberries and some beautiful views. Still, looking forward to a bit more leisure time this week.

♥

For the last two weekends we're been to a national park in the south part of the country. Since we have some really nice friends living there, it's always like a treat. On the 22th we went to our friends who just bought a farm there last year. It's the collectors house, that they try to get to look like a farm- and a home again. Martin and a bunch of people where there to help out. A lot of work got done, but a lot is still ahead. Since the owners are such active people, i think they'll get there. It might take 5 years, as i learned, but it's all worth it and faster is not possible. That's life in the countryside.

To celebrate midsummer on the night of 23th to 24th we went to our other friends who have a sheep-farm and have lived there i guess now like ten years (?). Both of them have a master degree in something completely different. We've seen their progress from afar and it's amazing to where they have come. I always learn something new when im there. 

It was an untraditional midsummer night, because the weather was so beautiful and warm, not a drop of rain. Some friends of friends made sauna in their unimaginably awesome home, with a big lake attached to it. A great evening!

Only the big midsummer fire we didn't see, because we had to drive and put our son to sleep. The sunset though (as much it actually set) was like a bonfire itself.

Pictures from 23th June.

♥

 The cherry-tomatoes are growing well on our porch. We'll see what's with the big ones. Oh, i just got so sleepy, that i might start another post tomorrow and leave this one like it is. With just the golden treasures we have grown. To be precise then i might add that the green thumb is more of a Martins deal.

Hope you're spending some nice holidays! We do love the summer, right! :)

♥

At least, it's done. Kind of. I might get one of the papers back to make some corrections, but all in all, it's done. Fertig! What a tiresome day. But i thought i'll write down all the things, that i wanted to do instead of writing my uni-papers. So i'll actually come around to do them, and not just forget and be consumed in automatic everyday life. 

- organize all of my drawers. That is just something that you really want to do, when you have to do something that you, well, must do... i think everyone gets that feeling: when instead writing your research, you want to pair all your socks, sharpen all your pencils, and organize your library, or photos from last spring...

- make some granola! i read an article some time ago, that said that granola is not really  100% healthy, since it has sugar and fat... but from the things that contain sugar and fat, im okay with this one. 

- write letters and emails to friends. 

- meet up with friends!

-  make rhubarb-orange jam! not yet a clue, how, but im making it for sure!

- order shea-or cocobutter and make my own bodybutter.

- find cute and nature-friendly toys, and make a crochet- mouse, like the one i had, when i was little :))

- cook! like jamie oliver (:

- watch the film "Samsaara"

- get a dress for our friends wedding. Probably need a cardigan too, since the weather is getting... moody.

- and the last, but the one i so desperately wanted to do.... read a book again! a random, not related to studies, a good, interesting, just... a book, please!

♥

For this coming week i might also skip blogging, because next Sunday I've got a due-date for two papers, which I'm still working on, and considering the pace of my work and also my concentration-level, it will be a stressful week, or at least weekend :)

Being pregnant, having a little toddler and taking care of the household is enough to do already, I'm  struggling with that alone... so why oh why did i need the university in there as well? 

But then again... i think that's something that actually keeps me sane and connected to some parts of me, that also make me happy. And that allows me to enjoy my family as well in a deeper level. I guess.

Strange to think, that it's here i say im tired or sleepless or stressed, while in real life there's actually no need to mention it to somebody, because we all feel that way now and then. Conversations, that turn out to a battle of who's more drained, are also no fun. Quite pointless and in the end..there's no winner. Compassion and to be able to comfort, need some strength, that is not always there. So for the coming week, let's grow a bit, a bit stronger and let's lend an ear to someone, who might need it.

Have a great new week!