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Happy birthday!

I look around and see biscuits, sweets, a quater of a watermelon, and a lot of healthy carrots from yesterday on the tables. The floor covered with an even coat of waffelcrumble. I don't mind. (: Today will be a fine day.

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Sleep.

What an luxurious thing. 

Last week, or was it a week before, i finished a book by Bulgakov and was looking for something new to read. Right now i can't even imagine when i was able to do that? Maybe while our little one was asleep, but yeah, that's not happening recently. 

There is a book by Elizabeth Pantley about how to teach children to fall asleep and sleep through the night.Without a single tear :) Im still in the beginning. There's a task of writing down an exact sleepscedule and how surprised i was of how little slumbertime we get. I knew that it's less than we had before,(first two months were actually fabulous) but 3,5 hours max? Thats heavy...

But im sure that i could never do the "cold turky sleeping method" thing... exept wanting to turn my little one into a turky (who would want that :D ?), it feels just unnatural. As mammals divide into ones that hide their babies (as they go hunting for food for exampl.foxes) and to those who carry them with them; even the consistence of the mothermilk depends on in; humans are the latter. We, like monkeys (most of them, i think, no expert here :)) carry our babies and hold them in our arms. Ignoring a cry of a baby is like ignoring a cry for help. How can i teach trust, when i cultivate the feeling of being abandoned?

I was surprised to see that this method of letting your child cry in the next room until she/he throws up or faints or falls asleep from exhaustion, is (still) so popular, or that it even (still) exists. I can only say that i really-really hope my mom didn't try that on me :)) I don't even dare to ask (it was the 80es, but still).

Our sleep here is divided: in the evening we put Juss to sleep together, then Martin sleeps next to him, while i  do some editing or chores or have some time for myself, at night i nurse our baby and in the morning i get some extra hours (from 6-8) while the guys have some play-time. It works, but we're still a bit too tired in my opinion. But as i have friends who have tried the no-cry sleepsolution and were successful, im looking forward to the next chapter.

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This week has been an exhausting one. The town is blooming with energy, amazement, exitement; students hurring like ants to lectures and seminars...and Im feeling jelaous. Thus i have a running nose now. 

Today was an international car-free-day. But we still made a little trip to the woods and Martins parents home. Juss met the forest for the first time :) Our visit was a pleasant surpirse to my belle-mère. (sometimes french is just too good of a language)

Taking pictures with our little pocket digital camera has such a different feel to it. But before dreaming of a really amazing camera, i should learn the basics with my zenit, get good at it and then, maybe, think of investing in some digital-mirror-magic. I just don't want to be one of those people with an enourmously expensive camera taking pictures on auto-mode. like i do with the pocketcamera :P

Juss is definitely my little inspiration. Often when i nurse him i have some great ideas. Altho it takes time to set them all into reality, i will give it a try. Like this little frog... there is a looooong way to go and the steps are little, but in the end he'll reach the destination.

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Some days one just has a crocodile with them.

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Happy 4th month to us! ♥ you!

During pregnancy i mostly concentrated on the birth; i tried to imagine the life after as well, but that was a bit impossible, 'cos the person we were gonna spend it with was still in "hiding" :)

I asked some young mothers about how they do it, but the answers weren't convincing. What do you mean, you just do it?,  i doubted.

In one moment during this summer i caught myself thinking that i 'd like to feel feminin again. .....Wait a minute.... im a young breastfeeding mother... how much more feminin can you get? Then i made the connection: to be feminin, is to be sexy. (or girly). That can't be right, can it? (it could/should be just the one aspect of a bunch, right?). This thought send my mind blazing back to the book "The female Eunuch". A bestseller in(from) the 70es. But just now I recognized how little i knew about women and their lives, what's reality. What are the responsibilities and how heavy they lie on ones shoulders. What's the amount of dedication, patience ...love really, that one must provide. Not only to their children, but for the entire family, grannys included :)) It's not an easy task.

I started thinking about my own mother, finally realized (trying to realize, imagining really) how she must have felt (or feels now). So much is taken for granted (and it is hard to stop doing it as a child). I started to see the fatigue in these honeysweet smelling supermoms, how the smile is not forced but requires sometimes power from the deepest sources within. And it suprised me why this power is not given from outside. Why there are more expectations than support. But i myself am no better. It is hard to ask for help, difficult to accept an offer. Why that is, i leave for another time to explore :)

I was a bit suprised by the fact that the universe didn't open up, spreading the clouds of cosmos, sending a beam of light (ya' know, like Star Trek  ..haha ) that would make me this mythical creature: "Mother". Strong, beautiful and wise. 

No, it didn't, im still me, can you belive it? It's my own strengt, growing stronger every day and my own wisdom which i gather from experience, books and other mothers. But i wouldn't mind the extra cosmic power tho :))))

Feel free to correct my English. 

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Oh, der Kopf ist leer und so voll von irgendetwas, meistens vom Gefühl den Startsignal zu verpassen oder ihn schon verpasst zu haben; in allen Bereichen. 20 Bücher stehen neben dem Bett. Es könnte gleichfalls ein Bett aus Büchern sein. Nadlony, Bulgakov sind verschwommen im Meer der Massage-Bücher, in allen Sprachen. Französisch singt aus dem Radio, Koreanisch aus dem pc, das Denken ist längst nicht mehr  leicht. Aber es ist doch immer so gewesen, nur jetzt fällt es auf.

Seit einer Woche habe ich geradeso Photographiert, dass es keine Photos gab. Der Film war längst voll. Ah, das könnte soeben eine wunderschöne Metapher sein.

Und doch bin ich derart glücklich, dass es nicht in meinen Kopf passt. Ich wusste nicht, dass man dermassen glücklich sein kann. 

Und noch was schokierendes: der Giraffe macht kein Mucks; sie sind still wie Grass auf dem Grass. Weil sie sich so entschieden haben. Fastzinierent und unheimlich. Und irgendwie verständlich, ... vom Weitem her, aber trotzdem.

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Im sitting and writing this behind a desk! Wooohoo! Couch, we are so done from now one! :)

It took us umm... 3 months to get my writing desk and set it up. So people, you can't be upset with me ;)

I always wondered why parents choose to wear sportswear during (family)weekends, and overall dress more sporty, well, i've got the answer now. Firstly, i was having this thought while putting on my hoodie that i bought in France for jogging (it was sitting in the closet for nearly a year now), because nothing else was to be found. No one tells you while your pregnant, that you'll need a whole new wardrobe afterwards, so that feeding the baby would be a bit more comfortable. Secondly, going to a department store for 2 hours felt like a marathon. The morning shower was miles away and felt meaningless. I lost my orientation in the food store, looking for cheese (it's improving here with the cheese, yey!), Juss was long ago awake and not in the best mood, so we ended up carrying him around. It all finished with a big final rundown from the store until home, while singing a lullaby (aprox. 2-3 km). The idea was a nice sunday walk...

Arriving home is then the best part. 

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Fragments of our August.

I hope to find some time soon to write a longer post.