♥

 

Photos from our trip to Hiiumaa.

We just had the greatest weather for the weekend, a total surprise and lucky us, who accidentally packed swimming-clothes! My mom does theater and it was time for a dress-rehearsal this weekend. That sounded like a good idea to try out, if the three of us could sit through a hour and a half of music and comedy. Turned out, not really. So i got to see the dress-rehearsal, while Martin and Juss were in the park, one reading a newspaper, other one sleeping. The great side was, that we stayed another day for Martin to go to see the premier and me to meet up with some friends at my moms place. 

On Sunday and Monday we also got to go to the beach. One of our friends told us one time, that his dad had rented a flat for the summer in my hometown for holidays, and it sounded so weird, because why would anyone do that, there? But now i understood. The beach on the lake is totally remodeled and has so much stuff built in for kids at all ages, for sunbathers, for long walks, picnics  - everything is nice and clean-looking. There was a lot of people, many coming from outside the town (as i assume, looking at the full parking-lot).

The downside is, that there aren't many places to eat, with good service (and food). There are two pubs, which I'd recommend, mostly because they existed, when i was living there (and are probably with a nostalgic value for me) and have changed (kind of) for the better (one has even a space for kids with a pirate-ship), but from the new places there is one nice one, but for the others... the food is very home-made-style and as a pregnant woman with a toddler, i don't like waiting for an ice-cream as long as for a meal and wonder if they might have forgotten my order :) since there's like two other people in the whole restaurant. Yeah-yeah, write the complaining-mood on my pregnancy-hormones, okay! :))

On Sunday we also did some driving around on the countryside and met some bikers from Russia, who are doing a really awesome tour, like i said.. on bikes!! Hundreds of kilometers! I hope they have a great time! What an awesome way for having a holiday!

Well, sports... if i look at my runningshoes, they look like new, because it's been.. hmm two years now, or three? Oi-oi. Talking about shoes...these FiveFingers look so funny. When i heard of them (not knowing how they look and what they are) i wanted to make it a present for Martin, since he's doing a half-marathon and (maybe) a marathon this year. But he said, that he'd rather not experiment with his feet and legs :)

Tomorrow i might do again a longer pause in my Internet-usage, as a long weekend kind of thing. To have a refreshing start on Monday again. 

Until then, have a great time and enjoy the summer(, while it lasts)!!!

♥

Juss meets a grasshopper on island Hiiumaa.

When we were heading back from the island, i noticed the boat was full of people behind screens, phones and pc's illuminating, it was almost a bit scary. Beautiful people sitting next to each other and not communicating, not going to the deck to see the sea, the lighthouse, the sailing-boats that passed by. Im someone who enjoys surfing the net as well and is amazed of what great interviews you can find, what great articles, wonderful art, awesome ideas... but it's also tiring, extremely tiring. It's not like reading a book, where you gain energy i think, but this mosaic or rather fragmentation of the attention, that i can jump from one tap to the other, hear one thing and read another. It makes me stressed out somehow, as i am overflown by ideas and thoughts and impressions. A week long pause was just right and i might want to repeat it soon :) or make my internet -usage somehow more regulated, so that stuff gets done.

But before that, i enjoyed the interview with Jennifer Aniston inside the Actors Studio, being impressed how humble she is. And Dustin Hoffman just stole my heart; what a presens and emotionality.

Talking about books, last year i got a book for my birthday from Mervi Juusola, in English the title would be "..so that mom can handle it/deal with it(all)". A motherhood energy-book. It seems that it's only available in the finnish and estonian language. I tried reading it some time ago, but now i feel that it's time has come. Maybe i should do a little summary of it, when i finish?

Another finnish book i read some years ago is Kari Heusala's "Womens sexuality". I couldn't finish it, because i had to return it to the library, but i remember how the fist chapter about the history of the sexuality of women was just so hilarious. Im thinking of getting it again and posting some of the facts here. Just for laughs. 

To talk about our week on the island... well, there are words like beach, sea, sun, food, driving and then this emotional level, which i don't know yet how to share or if to share at all. I felt cleansed after we arrived back: was it the lack of a computer screen to hide behind, or just the idea of being so far away from everything/one else? But being together? The chance to go through a rainbow of emotions? Or the chance to hold hands, while lying in the sun, or just forgetting to worry in general? The chance to sleep long hours? Well.. all that.

Now i want to listen to a good old song...what could it be? The second one, that comes to mind:

 

.

♥

Just wanted to let you know, that we're back on festland. Arriving home was like the best thing ever. Being on a trip is great, but home is home, that's like your castle, your stronghold. I was amazed how much energy we had after arriving from a tiresome- tiresome drive, while we could only think of getting upstairs and going straight to bed. But we cooked (Martin did :P), filled the washing-machine, twice, had dinner, unpacked everything and, when Juss went to bed, even watched a movie. Wow. We could see that Juss was equally happy to be back;  he was like all over the place, going through his toys and running from one room to the other. In that sense i can understand my friends well, who, having been living in France for two years, decided that it's easier to return, than to stay here for the summer, living one week in one place, the next one in another, until they find a new home.

The apples on the tree tops are getting ready. And sometimes the wind brings the smell of autumn. Not yet, but it'll come. We're heating the apartment for the first time this summer,' cos it's been raining all day and the nights tend to get chilly. Only +10C. Our tomato-experiment is doing okay. I guess it's just nice to have the plants around, the amount of tomatoes doesn't matter. It's almost as if they had been waiting for us to return and two turned red for celebrating. 

For now: i want to snuggle up in a blanket and sleep. I'll just stare a while into the fireplace, before i go. 
Hope to share some of the photos of the island this week too.

♥

Today we start our trip to the island! And we won't take the pc with us,  a whole week without it, if me manage to stay there as long, of course! 

I watched this beautiful tutorial about digital multiple exposure and tried it out with our pentax K-r. Well, i still need to figure out some of the things, but it made me happy that it has this option. I hope to get some good shots on the island to share later. 

Meanwhile friends stay in our house, to water the plants (Tomatoes!!) and enjoy the townlife.

Enjoy the sun! See you in a week!

♥

Remember this video from Roger Sanchez, Another Chance, where a girl carries a giant hart, that just gets smaller and smaller? It just so randomly crossed my mind, when i was trying to explain a feeling. Sadly i can't view the video again on youtube, since it's banned in my country, it seems. Im not a big house tune fan, but this video is just..., for sticking somewhere in my brain for so long.

And what i'm doing now in the middle of the night? Of course sewing a camera-bag for our camera. I can't get the one i want, so i have to make one :)

♥

How is being pregnant with a toddler different, than being pregnant the first time?

This question seemed more complicated at first, than it really is. The difference is simple actually: you have two kids now. One in your arm, and one in your belly. That also means that the attention is divided. That's where my partner plays a big role, by letting me take time to point my focus also to the the new coming baby, while he's out doing fun things with the older one. 

I was once told, that making a drivers license or any kind of exams, while pregnant, is impossible, because the brain just doesn't want to focus on "unnecessary" tasks and thoughts. It instinctively wants to prepare for the upcoming birth and motherhood tasks. While i thought that my memory during my first pregnancy was terrible, then now i could say, that the disc is simply full. I have forgotten to answer emails, texts, even to call back the next minute. No to mention one of my friends job, that she described just a week before. Then again i have no trouble of remembering what we need from the grocery-store, or what to pack, when going on a trip. When it's family-oriented, i still keep it together. But it also makes me more tired, than i expected. On our latest trip to the national park i didn't take our camera with us, because i felt that my brain couldn't handle one more item to look after, while we hike around. And i was right: the pocket-camera we took, we also forgot there at some point.

The second main difference is that, when before my partner could take care of me solely, now we have already a family to take care of. That's maybe the main reason why the second pregnancy feels more exhausting: i still have to do the things i have to do. Maybe feeling a bit more lonesome is something that is connected to it. While waiting for Juss, i did prenatal joga, went to a water-gymnastics class and met up with many other pregnant women. Now i use the time, when Martin is out with Juss, for sleeping, cooking, cleaning, .. and thinking about all the other things i need to do :)) and often end up waisting time on the net... sadly-sadly.

What will be helpful? I realized recently, that maybe it would be a good idea to make a plan, like for the whole week. So that time would be organized better and i could take time and invest it in something meaningful. Taking time for doing the dishes is okay too, but it can lead to somewhat frustration as well ;) 

We still haven't tried it out, but i hope we get there. It would mean, that i have something to look forward to and would feel fulfilled and accomplished later. 
This time around i also feel that we are both a bit pregnant. We already share the weight of responsibilities and tasks, we've been without any good sleep (like 10 hours straight) for over a year now, we both have backaches and get easily irritated when tired. So no princess treatment is possible, from any side. There is just no energy for that. This one is, egoisticly, the hardest one to accept. 

As my midwife said, this is the second pregnancy and it just is that way.

But i hope i could give an answer, that said more than  "it's hard" or "difficult" or "complicated". 

Ps. Thanks M for a wonderful lunch! It made my day :*

♥

There is this question that keeps popping up lately and i find it always tricky to answer: Is it difficult/hard being pregnant (especially the second time around, while the first kid is still so small)? In my mother-tongue difficult/hard is referred to in a word that also means ´'heavy´'. Carrying two is heavier indeed :)

This "how is it?" question is something i've been throwing around in the past as well, looking for answers. How is it to be pregnant with a small toddler? How is it with a toddler and a baby? The common answer is: it's hard/difficult. Then it's added: the first year is hard, after that it's easier. I feel like i'm lost in translation: hard? easier? These words all in all don't say much. 

I went to look answers in the internet, asking a group in facebook about it. While my belly was growing i got more and more curious, maybe there is something that'll be good to know, from women who already have that experience. But all the answers came back in "don't worry, be happy" -style. I got more precise: "when going out, whom do you dress first?" for example. "Don't worry, it'll all settle naturally... blablabla... but then i dress my youngest first and then i have this trick ...." and so one. So in the end there is advice out there, but it seems it's difficult to share. Why is that, i wonder. Too personal or did they really think it was worry that made me ask these questions, didn't they themselves wanted to know, were curious about things, would've been happy over support, thats more than "don't worry, be happy", in the end it sounds like a nice way to just shut someone up. That's how i replied. I was deeply disappointed, since it was a group that was made by me and an other young mother. It didn't fulfill its purpose for me at that level.

Most of the mothers i know personally, who have same age children, are older than me. In their (mid)-30es. There are only one or two that are the same age, in the mid-twenties, or younger.  So i started to wonder if it might be a generation thing. Of course this is now a huge generalization, but who knows, i just throw it out there. 

The idea came, when a friend, who started university from the beginning with a course of 20year olds (being over 30 herself), said that for her it seems the new generation is much more open. Open to talk about it all, even the uncomfortable stuff. Ups and downs are equally presentable. Being in between, i really don't know. But truthfully, after a while of thinking about it, and noticing what people talk about, i came to agree on that. It's not a universal truth tho, and it's not the age that determines anything, there's just something... that maybe a sociologist(or whoever does that stuff) can figure out or research?

I started to miss my same-old friends, with their humor and irony, their ups and downs, their smiles and tears. :)

I just hope, that even if there is someone out there, who like me, wonders about things and wants to know more, more precisely, wants to share hopes and fears, that they wouldn't feel lonesome and shut up, just because there is a lot of "don't worry"type of answers thrown around. 

As for my own answer for that question. I finally figured it out today. When a little hungover friend called me from the beach this sunday evening asking...

how is it?

me: what do you mean?

Is it hard? It's summer, it must be hard. 

...I shrugged it off. Im cool. Im fine. Pie-ce of cake! But now i'd say: If you think it's hard, why don't you help me?

Asking for help is much more difficult, than offering, don't you agree? I started to be brave. I try to be. I asked people out, made some plans to meet up with a different crowd, than the everything-is-always-perfect-mothers-group. And i also want to hold it in my mind, that when someone comes to me asking questions, i'll take the time to find the answers. :)

♥

 

Today is the dress-rehearsal of my moms play. But since im awake from 4am now, because of my nice cough, it's up for a debate if we're going. Im kind of mad, that it's my moms event that gets the short stick, when the past days i've been dragged and have dragged myself thorough various events. I hope i'll learn how to put my foot down one day and say "no, now, this is how were gonna do it!". Hoping that someone else takes the responsibility or makes a note of things, is clearly a naive one. Trying to please everyone just gets to the point where, since the self is not pleased, people around aren't either. So much to learn... sad lessons. "Pregnant and sick" doesn't seem to make it to the empathy-table, surprisingly :)

Summer vacation has begun. Im clearly not in the position to talk about the weather, but next week we will be on a trip to an island. No, it's not a tropical vacation with white rocky beaches and clear blue water. We'll be staying on the same latitude and longitude. Still, looking forward to it, as i hope for a little peace and quiet. Some mellow time for our family. The question is, if we should take the PC with us or not. A Internet free week, seems great as an idea, but what if we get really bored or/and it's raining the whole time?
Wouldn't it be nice to watch a movie or two in the evenings? 
Then again, it would be a great opportunity to read some of my book-list books... Then again, i wouldn't post anything for at least a week again...
We'll see.

I found this band today and at 4 am this kind of rocked up the mood. Enjoy the music!

♥

 

 

Pärnu. The ultimate Summer-capital. I never got the idea of summer resorts, but now i'm slightly turned. Of course i end up going with a "little"(as mentioned around me) cold - that's that for going for a swim in the sea. The food in the restaurant took forever to arrive, the wind was cold, the people too many. The avocado on our friends avocado-dish was raw. The supermarket was out of eco-friendly diapers and... we still kind of had a nice time. Mystical.  

We arrived home late and exhausted from the long drive, all three of us. That's why today is "do-nothing-monday". No plans, no engagements, nada. Chocolate cake for breakfast and hopefully a watermelon for dinner. That's it. (Of course, Juss has regular meals :))

♥

On Saturday we went to our friends U&L wedding. 

I took three dresses with me, just in case, and ended up wearing all of them. The butterfly was the first and i'm showing it off, since it's custom made by a young designer Ilona Ait. She created the fabric and made the dress. I ended up wearing a jacket, because it was so windy and i still suffered from my "little" cold. But the dress is so gorgeous, right! :) Butterfly-belly!

The night got colder so i changed in a long dress, then got strawberry and/or cherry spots on it, and changed again. The thing, when having kids, you either need always one pair (at least) a change of clothes, or an attitude where you just don't care. Usually i have the last one, but since it was a wedding and all, it was kind of nice to look neat for once.

♥

On the longest day of the year (the 21th June) we decided with some friends to make a evening picnic on an old football-field. Nobody took a ball with them, but maybe it was for the best. Us and all the babies got to stay up quite late, firstly because it didn't seem to get late at all :)) On the picture i think it's already past 10pm.

When we arrived i was so hungry, that i only managed to get the camera out, when our picnic blanket looked like a big mess. It's evidence of how relaxed and easygoing everyone were, i think. With 5 toddlers running around, it was only natural :) and unavoidable.

Now it's July. Already. Three months to go with my grand belly. 

Summer, be gentle and nice to us!

♥

Looking for an apartment in the city can be exhausting like everybody knows. All the stairs and the traffic to get from one place to another. With a big belly, no question. Trying to find an old farmplace (the remains of it) in the woods, pretty different. At one point i had to climb over a fence and dive into some waist high grass. But you get rewarded with wild strawberries and some beautiful views. Still, looking forward to a bit more leisure time this week.

♥

For the last two weekends we're been to a national park in the south part of the country. Since we have some really nice friends living there, it's always like a treat. On the 22th we went to our friends who just bought a farm there last year. It's the collectors house, that they try to get to look like a farm- and a home again. Martin and a bunch of people where there to help out. A lot of work got done, but a lot is still ahead. Since the owners are such active people, i think they'll get there. It might take 5 years, as i learned, but it's all worth it and faster is not possible. That's life in the countryside.

To celebrate midsummer on the night of 23th to 24th we went to our other friends who have a sheep-farm and have lived there i guess now like ten years (?). Both of them have a master degree in something completely different. We've seen their progress from afar and it's amazing to where they have come. I always learn something new when im there. 

It was an untraditional midsummer night, because the weather was so beautiful and warm, not a drop of rain. Some friends of friends made sauna in their unimaginably awesome home, with a big lake attached to it. A great evening!

Only the big midsummer fire we didn't see, because we had to drive and put our son to sleep. The sunset though (as much it actually set) was like a bonfire itself.

Pictures from 23th June.