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Es lebte mal ein alter Mann, in einem alten Bauernhof; umgeben von schönen Wiesen und Wäldern. Doch keine Kinder spielten jeh dort, auch seie keine Frau jehmals im Hof  hin und her geeilt. Mit Wäschekorb, oder Kelle. Auch einen Tier, das den Alten als den Herren sah, gab es nicht. Jedoch war die Scheune voll, wie auch der Speicher und das Wohnhaus. Die Sauna, die auf der anderen Seite des Weges lag, war schon vor langer Zeit eingestürzt. 

Im Dorf wusste man, dass der Alte fast nie, sehr-sehr ausnahmsweise, sich von seiner Rente  was zu essen kaufte und nie den Buss nahm, sonder nur zu Fuss auf dem Weg war. Und auf dem Weg war er nicht selten: alte, verlassene Häuser, Müllhalden, herruntergekommene Läden, Antiquariaten, Recycle-Zentren. Er nahm und kaufte alles was er konnte und hebte es dann zu Hause auf. Bücher, Kleider, Zeitungen, Koffer, Tassen, Teller, Radios, Mixer, Hefte, Stifte -  die Liste wäre unentlich. Dies musste er dann auf den Rücken zurück geschleppt haben. Den ganzen Weg. Ein blauer Müllsack, den man später fand, war z. B. voll von Zeitungen, alle mit dem gleichen Datum. Wahrscheinlich vom Verkauf übriggebliebene. Koffer voll von Briefumschlägen. Müllsäcke voll von Kleidern. Neue. Alte. 

Die Scheune war schon so voll, dass kein Mensch nicht mal einen klitzekleinen Schritt hinein machen konnte. Durch eine Ecke des Fensterrahmen im Wohnhaus schlich sich der alte Mann hinein. Dort hatte er seine Tunneln und Gänge, das Restliche hielt schon den Dach und die hintere Wand vom einstürzen und ... Wärme. 

Die Wärme von Sachen.  Die Wärme von Sachen? 

Sachen. Habe. Besitz. Stuff. Foubri. Asjad.

Wir standen da und wunderten, ob es nicht auch Leute gab, die mit ihren Sachen ins Hof fuhren und dem Alten ihren Müll verkauften.

Als der Alte starb, wurde der Bauernhof verkauft, samt Allem. Eine junge Familie kaufte es dann. Im Sommer wurde ein Zimmer, mit Hilfe viler Helfer, im Haus lehrgeräumt. An einem Herbstwochenende sollte mal in der Scheune etwas Platz gemacht werden. Wenn man was fand, was einem gefiel, durfte man es mitnehmen, alles andere war wegzuwerfen. Anfangs schien vieles mitnehmbar, aber nach einer Weile nicht mehr... es war einfach zu viel da.

Als wir zurück fuhren, lag dieser Sack und ein Band von Kafkas Romanen auf dem Hintersitz.

Ich erinnere mich an ein Artikel über Yoko Ono in der auch etwas über ihre Art Sachen (Schuhe, Wohnungen, Häuser usw.) zu sammeln stand. Es sei aus Mangel an menschlicher Wärme und Zuneigung oder das Gefühl der Verlassenheit. Aber ich erinnere mich auch nur wage.

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Eating secret-chocolate at midnight in candlelight. Fantastic.

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Here's a list of books i hope to come across some day:

John Cage "For the Birds"

Bill Bryson "At Home: a Short History of Private Life"

Gaston Bachelard "The Poetics of Space"

Tom Robbins "Skinny legs and all"

Miranda Kerr "Treasure Yourself"

Usually i read or hear about some books; think to myself "someday i'll take a look" and then forget about it the next minute/moment/day/week/year. So i thought i'll keep a list of them here. My lates encounter with a book was a disapointmen. But as im still reading the newspaper from 5th october, i have no idea when i get a chance to read these. (Like the pile of books next to the bed wasn't enough?) For now i got Tom Robbins "Skinny legs and all" and Bachelards "The Poetics of Space" from the library."Skinny legs..." was the only Tom Robbins book they had, and it's in english, therefore im hoping to improve my language skills. But it's all music of the future. First i have to catch up with the newspapers....


EDIT:
I had added two other ones later, but forgot to post it:

David Lodge "Thinks..." (translated into estonian 1,2)

W. Somerset Maugham "Strictly personal"

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These are our new roommates: Velocirapton and Dilqphosaurus. Waiting for Juss i thought a lot about my own childhood and remembered how facinated i was about dinosaurs. Hence i had a cool book about them. Many-many things from that book are now proven wrong or developed to a totally new level, so im looking forward to find out more. Just need to find some good literature about it. Since last winter there are little dinosaurs hanging around here. It's awesome that Martins colleagues have been doing some actual dinosaur-digging in France. Cool, right?

-.-

Funny how "guys digging dinosaurs" are cool and then you become a teenager and it changes into "guys playing the guitar in a basement-band". And then it changes again.

On a more zen level:

I liked this post about getting your life a bit more... zen. I picked out two i wanted to achieve this week:

 - go to bed early

and

-finish old tasks before taking new ones

The firs one seems to work only then, when i wake up early and be really tired and not lie awake for two hours in bed.  The second one i might have started off reaching too far ... the sweater i started two years ago.  But when i'll finish it, i'll feel great :)

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First snow! This is how the garden looked like in the early-early morning. Can't help the fact, that now i start thinking and waiting for the holydays. Honey, where are our christmaslights?!

I had a great time on wednesday! Thank you M for asking me out for dinner :) It was nice to have a little break from the everyday routine. And i definetly want to go to that place again, the food was so delicious.

 

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Al Pachino and Dustin Hoffman once did a movie together. Dustin was quite struggeling with his role, he tried many things, went on a diet, worked out, read the books, stood on his head... but still.. nothing. Then Al asked him: have you tried acting?

My favourite colour is grey. And foggy weekends... perfect. As we woke up on saturday with sore throats, we decided not to drive to my school reunion. So instead of going on a trip, i looked up the sweater i've been knitting for Martin literary for years. The body part is done. There are still the sleeves. As for now im halfway to reach the goal. I promised to finish it last winter, but didn't manage. This time around im pretty optimistic.. since after that i can start something new.

The foggyness got better and better sunday evening and we went for a latenight walk. And played, while Juss slept, checkers. Of course, i lost. But learned. On our walk we talked a lot and then Martin remembered that story about the two actors.

We laughed. And then i smiled into myself.

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I did an Edit on that post. And im keeping the blog. Let it be a monologue into the internet-desert. Maybe someday i hear an echo. Maybe.

I could write about the wedding or a friends babys 9th month birthday or the sunday we spent at Karulas national park.  No picture to prove it. It was a strange weekend. The thoughts are still circling around. Strange, but in such a good order. The future gained some lines. Now i just have to calm down, put daydreaming aside and start doing some little steps towards that future.

I'll write, another time.

♥

An early autumn sky from Juss's perspective.

I dont' really know anymore why im writing this blog. The last post showed me this very clearly. As i was writing it, it's sense just vanished in thin latenight air. I struggle with this language, i know it. The idea of keeping in touch with everybody from abroad has just isolated me in this oneway monolog. As writing to everybody becomes writing to nobody in perticular.

Im no photographer, nor an artist in general. This is neither a artblog, literature-blog, fahsion-blog or a mommy-blog. What is it then? Blogging about everyday life; Isn't it too bland? As im not even good at it.

I like writing. I do. 

I just lost the direction where i wanted to go. 

I read one girls blog about doing a project of visiting a museum every week and writing about it. Sounds great. Especially the part of visiting museums. Or gallerys; there are plenty in Tartu. 

There are some things im doing, (may be called projects,) but for now i don't want to share them. Not yet. 

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Body-issue.

A quick post.

I'll write about it because i think it's important. To me. It started with a sentence of a friend (like so many things, which is great!). It was when i announced that we were becoming parents; that i was pregnant. /Now you can eat a lot, everything you want, cos it's allowed, want my sandwich? chocolate icecream?/.

My midwife also told me, that often the pretty-slender-perfect-body-girls ride right after the meeting to a fastfood drive-in... cos it's all allowed now...

Since im a person who never got through a diet..., i just got hungry and then thought *shrug*  i'll just eat. That means i've been eating everything i want all along. Not always quality over quantity, but times more healthy, times not so. And i've been in my current state(minus the muscles) since highshool. I even went to my BA graduation ceremony with the same custom-made dress i wore graduating 9th grade. Body-type: curvy, weight: normal. That said. I really didn't like people asking me how much I gained during pregnancy, with a smile on their face. It felt weird to hear, even more to answer. Then i just said that i've gained enough and the baby is growing well. I think, thanks to the fact that there was never  forbidden fruit in my diet, i didn't go crazy and just ate the way i normally did, putting a bit more attention to the healthy stuff. I also took a nutrition consultation from an expert during pregnancy; i wanted to do something good for me and my baby. 

I had these thoughts as i was looking for a dress to go on a wedding the coming friday. I noticed that it's hard to find one in what you can actually nurse, (without being forced to take the whole thing off). I hope buttons will find their way into fashion again.

The meaning of this post? To tell myself that im beautiful.
Hope you weren't too annoyed.

EDIT:

The trigger of this post was/is my own insecurity when trying on dresses in the department store. I guess i wanted to make a statement to myself. To look at myself with a generous eye, telling my body, that it does a great job. To turn my eye away from flaws and notice the pretty parts im truly proud of. 

Why this is such a "huge" deal? 

As i was a teenager it was a hard issue for me. And not only for me. It's hard for girls in that age, since beauty seems to have measurements. Bus as i was a member of a rhytmicgymnastic group since the age 6, the transformation was not welcomed. I suffered. Everyone did; the unluky ones, who's genetics predicted some curves here and there. Some went on a diet, some went to dance in the backrow. Before turning 18 i just left. From one day to another. It was a sudden change for others, but not for me. I've had enough. I entered a theatergroup instead and found that inside me is a very interesting person. And people around me were interested in that person, not the waistline.

Looking at pictures from that time i feel regret for not feeling pretty. Also to have kept (or keeping) that critisism so close to heart all this time. The thing im most sad about is that it drove me away from dancing. But i hope this love will someday, in some way, bloom again. 

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Waiting for sunny days. They should be ahead. Today was promising. It's a waste that our little camera is getting tired of serving us, as the lens seems lately to be too bored to focus. It's -of course- not MY fault :))) hehe!

 
On wednesday i planned to go with a friend and our babies to a craft class, but i was too exhausted the minute i opend my eyes (could have been from the long week-end?), so i invited them to our place instead for the day. Later she smiled and said that she feels like this every single morning she wakes up. But we both laughed, because while i was telling her how tired i felt, i managed to prepare lunch and dinner like a pro. Seemingly effortless :)

Last friday we wanted to go to the moor to pick berrys but ended up in an animalpark instead. It was our first trip with our car, proud dad driving and all. I took a video of Juss talking to the moos and the moos talking to Juss. They had quite a conversation.

Our foreign friend laughed that estonia is the only country he knows where the bitrhdaychild does her/his own cake. But hei, i feel awkward even recieving presents, as i feel i should give some in return. 

Sunday do: get some sun!